33 years old: 33 obsessions

Yet I still carry on walking…just about sometimes. I feel so old.

I turned 33 today (July 2nd) and these are 33 times I remember being stuck within an obsession throughout my life. Some lasted days, some months or even years. HIV and the unpardonable sin have been the worst overall. However, at the time each one of these has stopped me in my tracks and caused distress, often significant and painfully so.

Here we go, in no particular order:

  1. Contracting HIV from contaminated toilet paper (pain in the arse literally)
  2. Accidentally getting someone pregnant by contaminating a toilet seat (don’t ask)
  3. Dying in a specific plane crash (I may have contacted a few pilots for reassurance)
  4. Setting the house on fire (cheeky teenage cigarette)
  5. That I could lose confidential documents and getting prosecuted under data protection (bloody GDPR)
  6. That I might have said something bad to someone in the past that caused a sequence of events that made them to commit suicide years later
  7. Saying the wrong name at my wedding (I take the Rachael…)
  8. Getting testicular cancer (bollocks)
  9. Getting multiple sclerosis (I would scan my legs for potential loss of movement)
  10. Getting HIV from shaking hands
  11. Committing the unpardonable sin in thought or words
  12. Is hell real? (Amazes me how many think it is)
  13. The concept of death (lovely topic)
  14. Someone implanted illegal images on my computer and I would be blamed (stupid hackers)
  15. Someone could hack my phone and post private messages (not sure what would be exciting, perhaps my recordings of funny impressions)
  16. Getting HIV from being scratched
  17. Giving HIV to my child via nose picking
  18. Accidentally plagiarising university work and being struck off the course (I was looking for less than 5% on turnitin)
  19. The concept of age
  20. Not turning the light switch off properly (I would look but could not see)
  21. Committing the unpardonable sin in OCD therapy via ERP (God might not understand therapy, and besides, lots of politically correct therapists say that you can tailor your exposures to fit the faith, liaising with a religious leader, and avoid the actual blasphemous content – yeah okay, thanks for that Mr Woke, are you going to ask people with Harm OCD to check with the police if their exposures are okay?)
  22. The need to play a particular drum beat either mentally or via tapping until it feels right (had this since at least age 10). I probably do this most days actually.
  23. Avoiding stepping on cracks in the pavement or floor tiles (a teacher once shouted at me for this)
  24. Getting HIV from blowing up a swimming pool floater
  25. Cancer of the blood (lost weight, felt lymph nodes = cancer clearly)
  26. How reliable is the New Testament? (Very, reasonably, not at all – as it turns out)
  27. Have I offended someone?
  28. Is my OCD therapist a fraud and secretly trying to make me worse (I’ve told him this before and I even sit with those thoughts that he might be deceiving me)
  29. Do I even have OCD? (Haha tricked you all I’m actually just pretending this whole time to turn this website into a multimillion pound enterprise with adverts everywhere!)
  30. HIV from sharing soap (Dove wankers)
  31. Could I harm loved ones (this one fortunately was short lived)
  32. How can I tell whether a memory is real or accurate?
  33. The concept of ERP and getting better, am I doing it right and how do I know which approach is best

I actually think I could be an 80 year old and do this. Scary to think how many different distinct obsessive episodes I can remember.

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